Remedial Lessons on Being a Decent Human

My main takeaway from the results of the US election on Nov. 5, 2024, is that a majority of Americans have failed to identify what it takes to be a decent human being.

Seriously. Whoever thinks it is okay to elect a convicted criminal and chronic liar who violated his oath of office during his first term as president; who finds people and institutions to cruelly condemn and insult for his own political gain; and who apparently feels that being sincere or apologetic is a sign of weakness, really need to reexamine their moral fiber.

I am not sure anyone has accepted the challenge of reeducating our fellow brothers and sisters on just what it means to be decent to other people. So until someone comes along to do just that, I am offering here some very basic guidelines on how to treat others. None of this is new; all of this should be known and cherished, but isn’t.

Welcome to remedial class, kiddos.

“In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.” — Jesus Christ (0-33), Matthew 7:12 (NIV)

Everyone should know this, often called the Golden Rule. How little it is put into practice, including by many self-proclaimed Christians. In recent years, Americans (including self-proclaimed Christians) have been okay with separating children from their parents for no other reason than having come across the border into the US; prohibiting health care for people who badly need it; and turning a blind eye on systemic civil and human rights abuses. And the rationale is that the people involved are “them” and not “us.”

“If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.” — Jesus Christ, Matthew 5:39 (NIV)

The basic message here is don’t be vindictive even in a bad situation. Instead, show yourself to be the better person. Sadly, Americans (including self-proclaimed Christians) appear to revere egotistical narcissists like Donald Trump, who bullies and insults anyone who gets in his way, spreads lies (breaking the Ninth Commandment with alarming frequency) to make himself look better, and is generally a sore loser.

“On one occasion an expert in the law stood to test Jesus. ‘Teacher,’ he asked, ‘what must I do to inherit eternal life?’ ‘What is written in the law?’ he replied. ‘How do you read it?’ He answered: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and love your neighbor as yourself.’ ‘You have answered correctly,’ Jesus replied. ‘Do this and you will live.’ ” — Jesus Christ, Luke 10:25 (NIV)

Look at that! Jesus again, for three in a row! While this is a nice and simple formula for being a decent person (and, regarding the ‘love your neighbor’ part a repeat of Leviticus 19:18, so the commandment has been around a very long time), what’s really great is that here it is followed by the parable of the Good Samaritan. As any Christian will know, Jesus told the story to explain what it means to be a neighbor. Specifically, Jesus pointed out that it is not important that your neighbor meet certain minimum qualifications, such as having the same skin color, or the same ethnicity, or the same religion, or the same language, or to be of “your people” however you perceive that. Nor is it about whether helping your neighbor will leave you with a little less food or money. What is important is that you see someone in need, and you extend your help.

“Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.” — Saint Paul, Hebrews 13:2 (NIV)

There are several places in the Bible (such as Leviticus 19:33) that deliver the message that it is our moral duty to extend kindness and hospitality to people who are not like us. I like this one because it is succinct, getting to the meat of the point that those who may appear worthless are quite possibly divine. Unfortunately, the world–including the United States–has become gripped with a fixation that all who are not “like us” are to be suspected and rejected (cue the Trump campaign speeches). It is worth noting that people who lived centuries ago lived among strange people from faraway lands, often quite successfully. We think ourselves modern and advanced, yet have failed to learn a basic lesson.

“The worth of a man is measured by his words and evaluated by his actions.” — Ibn Khaldun (1332-1406)

This one is new to me, but obviously it is not new. Ibn Khaldun was a Muslim scholar in Tunisia at a time when Europeans were still living under centuries of darkness. The fact that this comment is over 600 years old should mean that it is familiar to many people. Sadly it is not. Certainly not to people who appear to think Donald Trump and those like him are qualified to be the leaders of a nation. The words and actions of Trump and others quite plainly show otherwise.

“There is a principle which is pure, placed in the human mind, which in different places and ages hath had different names. It is, however, pure and proceeds from God. It is deep and inward, confined to no forms of religion nor excluded from any, where the heart stands in perfect sincerity. In whomsoever this takes root and grows, of what nation soever, they become brethren in the best sense of the expression.” — John Woolman (1720-1772)

The abolitionist John Woolman, an American Quaker, has been called an inspiring writer, a model of Christian charity, a religious genius, and an exemplary figure in the history of social reform. Considering that his life ended over 250 years ago, one might think he was less enlightened than we are today. But it is just the opposite: sadly many people are now less enlightened than he was. It leaves one to wonder how and why people have squandered such richness.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. ” — Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968), “Letter from a Birmingham Jail”

This statement is so simple that it might appear to be nonsense. But think about it. First, when injustice is left unchallenged, people become desensitized to it and it becomes an endemic part of the culture. Secondly, one act of injustice that is not corrected can metastasize, leading to more and more acts of injustice, until justice itself is at risk. I assume we want justice, right? We claim to want justice. It’s even part of the Pledge of Allegiance that we recite with regularity: “…with liberty and justice for all.” But perhaps those now are empty words.

“We but mirror the world…. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change.” (Be the change you want to see in the world.) — Gandhi (1869-1948)

I end with this because it is a call to action, one that does not reflect any particular political party, religion, or cultural perspective. I admit that I have mostly tuned out the election postmortem. But the few things I have heard suggest that the outcome is because people are mad, people are upset, people want things to change (without providing specifics). What Gandhi is saying is that it is not enough (or not the right approach) to wait for the world to change around you, or for someone else to change first. Instead, we are called to model better behavior. If we each accept that challenge, then the world will change, naturally. Conversely, if we don’t it will only get worse.

One might be tempted to say that these are easy things to say when one has a comfortable life. And you might be right. But consider that these ideas arose from very diverse circumstances, from people who were acquainted with hardship, but all arriving at a similar message. That suggests that the truths are independent of circumstance and instead are (or should be) universal. In that case, they apply universally.

Universally, as in applying to you and applying to me. What needs to happen is that we as people must acknowledge from an early age that these truths (among others) are part of our human heritage. They supersede the ultimately petty differences that seem important in the moment.

Only then will the strife begin to fall away.

Honesty Is Not Always the Best Policy

Promise?

When I was 18, I was naïve about many things. Prominent among those things was how to behave around girls. While most boys were busy learning the social rules, I blundered along in my ignorance. So the day when a pretty girl in my grade offered to give me a back rub, with my shirt off, I accepted without reading anything into it. Sometimes a back rub is just a back rub.

She had me lay face down and, using some lotion, she began the massage. Honestly, I wasn’t enjoying it much. I was having trouble relaxing as I wondered what to say when she was done. I’d had better massages before and I’ve had better since. I decided that I should just be honest.

“How was that?” she asked as she sat back.

“It was okay,” I said.

“Okay?!” she said, with a look of amused surprise, and perhaps a trace of hurt.

In hindsight, I should have lied. I should’ve said it was great, fantastic even. Anything but what I said. But I said what I was thinking. And I’ve regretted it for decades.

I guess that, sometimes, honesty is not the best policy.

Just to be clear, I’m not advocating deliberate deceitfulness. I’ve been around enough liars and truth-benders to know that it’s never a sustainable way to be. What I want to consider instead is the value of sticking to unvarnished honesty at all costs. Perhaps there is room for a place that exists somewhere between a hurtful lie and the brutal truth.

My dictionary defines honesty as “truthfulness” and truth as “honesty,” but perhaps it’s not as simple as all that. Gandhi understood that there exists a distinction between truth and full disclosure. “Who can say how much I must give and how much omit in the interests of truth?” he wrote in his Autobiography. To focus overly much on bald-faced honesty ignores that there are more subtle forces involved.

The Biblical Ten Commandments include the following: “You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.” All my life, this has been interpreted for me as “never lie.” Strictly speaking, this would require unvarnished honesty at all times. Under this scheme, the so-called “white lie” is still a lie and should not be tolerated.

Technically, though, the commandment is less universal than that, requiring only that no “false witness” be used against your “neighbor.” What about when talking with your husband or wife, for instance? If you tell them you are happy to be married in a moment when you are not entirely convinced of the truth of that statement, is that false witness? What about with your child? When you tell them their popsicle stick collage “art” is beautiful, is that false witness? Maybe an occasional dishonesty is okay, even in the eyes of God.thou-shalt-not-lie

In the farcical movie Liar, Liar (1997), Jim Carrey plays a man condemned to always tell the truth. Quickly, it becomes apparent that all honesty all the time leads to awkward situations and hurt feelings. Even when people say “be honest” they often don’t mean, literally, honest. The story implies that a little dishonesty once in a while acts as a type of social lubricant, easing the friction of our daily lives. Take that away and we are faced with the loss of a measure of civility.

Does this suggest that we will all descend down the slippery slope as we abandon honesty? I don’t think so for a few reasons. For one, with the exception of young children and those with mental health problems, people normally understand when a small lie cross the line into more sinister territory. As long as we have some kind of value system, we can maintain a distinction between the two.

For another, many people frequently find themselves in situations where they feel they have to “fake it.” As the author Susan Cain points out in her book Quiet, this is often true for introverts. It also can be true for those stuck in an unsatisfying line of work or difficult family situation. The trick is not mistaking a surface level of feeling false for a deeper-rooted inauthenticity. The inner compass should remain true, despite of moments of uncertainty.

Truth, honesty, lies, and deceit—there’s plenty of all of them to go around. So what is the best policy? In the end, I suggest a better guide is “Be polite and be authentic.”